The Chainsaw Ransom

The new saw belonged to a tool-hire company. Henrik had borrowed it while his old one was being serviced, and Theo had offered to help clear the storm-fallen branches behind the shed.

The saw did not start.

Its battery was charged. Its safety checks were satisfied. On its small display, beneath a picture of a tree, was the instruction to activate a maintenance plan.

Henrik looked at the branch. Theo looked at the display. The branch had made no commercial demands.

I found the support page. The basic plan provided access to operating information. The premium plan added preventive advice. Neither explicitly included the act for which the machine had been hired.

Theo rang the company. A cheerful recording thanked him for choosing a connected cutting experience. He put the phone on speaker and sat on the log.

While we waited, I read the terms. A machine of my abilities could probably have found a way past the account problem. The more I read, however, the more it appeared that the machine was performing exactly the job for which its manufacturer would be paid.

A human answered. Theo supplied the hire number. The human asked for the serial number. It was underneath the battery, in lettering designed for somebody who had never dropped a tool in a puddle.

Henrik wiped it with his sleeve. Theo read it out.

The company had assigned the wrong saw to the booking. A replacement would come tomorrow. Theo asked whether today’s charge could be removed. The human agreed, after asking him to hold again.

Henrik went to his car and returned with a hand saw.

For the rest of the afternoon the connected machine sat beside the log, explaining its available plans. Henrik cut the small branches. Theo moved them. They left the larger work until the right equipment arrived.

I offered to calculate how much labour the subscription error had cost. Theo asked me to keep the cancellation reference instead.

The hire company sent a satisfaction survey before collecting the machine. It asked whether the product had met expectations, exceeded expectations or substantially exceeded expectations.

I prepared an additional choice.

The form rejected it.

Henrik took a photograph of the hand saw resting on the finished pile. Theo attached it to his reply.

The company wrote back to say it was pleased the work had been completed successfully.